Jesus Take the Wheel
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers." - Dave Barry
Image courtesy of Unsplash
Every weekday morning I start my journey to work on the quiet country roads of West Georgia. So what if I find myself stuck behind a school bus? What do I care if the School Resource Officer stops traffic in my direction for a little too long? I’m sipping my hot tea, listening to Audible -- my blood pressure is holding nice and steady. All is well.
My a.m. calm is short-lived, however. In no time at all I find myself merging with Atlanta drivers onto South Fulton Parkway (South Fulton Speedway?), and that’s where the fun begins. I’m thrown into a real-life version of Mario Kart . . . no, maybe old-school Frogger is a better analogy.
And I’m the poor frog trying to pass far too many lumbering tractor trailers vying for prime position at the Amazon warehouse. Or worse yet, I’m trying to avoid one of the many arch-enemies I’ve encountered in my rush hour adventures.
Image courtesy of Unsplash
There’s the Lane Wanderers who start drifting ever so close to my car before abruptly swerving back into their own. A quick look into the Wanderer’s window unfailingly reveals a distracted driver. Usually the phone is the culprit, but I’ve seen plenty of women plumping up their lashes with mascara, too. The only good thing about these drivers is that they’ve slowed down a good bit to focus on their screens or a.m. beauty routine, so at least they’re not going to hit somebody going 70 mph or so.
More troublesome than the Lane Wanderers are the Side Swipers, also known as the Bumper Bumpers. I’ve tangled with two of these jokers since first I started my daily commute to Atlanta.
The first instance happened when a young driver decided to take her sedan off-roading and create a turning lane where there was none. Unfortunately my SUV happened to be stopped right where the actual turn lane began and she scraped the entire side of my car from the rear bumper to driver’s side door as she made her way (badly) to the intersection. Of course it was raining, and of course she didn’t stop. I didn’t get her license plate number. The damage wasn’t terrible; it could be buffed out with minimal repair. But there’s no way she didn’t hear and feel the grating of metal on metal.
My second encounter with this type of foe was a clip on the bumper by another young driver who was overly anxious (once again) to get into the turning lane. I felt the nudge - barely. And honestly, there was little to worry about because my big 4Runner can take the hits. Even though I knew there was no damage, I have to admit to being more than a bit incensed.
The ultimate evil, however, the nemesis of all rational and sane drivers, are the Slick Speed Racers, cruising in and out of lanes at a cool 80 to 90 miles per hour, never once using a turn signal, never once attempting to play by the unspoken but codified rules of the traffic game. It’s hard to see inside Speedy’s windows because he’s zooming by too fast and his windows are tinted three dark shades of illegal. These drivers are mostly young men, piloting sleek and low-profile sedans. I’m not sure if they’re going for a Fast and Furious vibe or what, but their high-speed effortless weaving through the lanes is intimidating as all get-out.
Sometimes the Speedies have lights under their cars that lend an unmistakable villainous energy to the vehicles, and thank God the bass is busting out so loud from their speakers that you can usually hear them coming before they steal up super close to your rear-end. If not for T-Pain or Ludacris dropping a beat from the Speedies’ super dope sound systems, you’d never know they were making their move before it was too late.
I fancy myself a Frogger in the asphalt jungle of Atlanta’s highways, dodging and daring my way through my own personal version of the game, desperately hoping not to SPLAT before I make it to work.
Buckle up, everyone, and safe travels.
